I am not alone

OK, sorry to harp on Dora the Explorer, but it is just so easy to do. Daddy Zine shares some of my feelings in one of his recent posts with a few added links of my own (just in case your vocabulary is equally as deficient as mine):

You haven't seen my glasses anywhere, have you?

There's some chance they spontaneously combusted when daughter L. asked me to read her new Dora the Explorer book for the fifth time. Were I to express my opinion fully on the matter of the Dora book there is some chance the Third Commandment [link mine, but you can probably guess which one] might come in for a little rough usage.

(As an aside, you'll note in the Amazon.com blurb for this moderately compendious [link mine] volume, "Dora and her best friend, Boots, go on more adventures than you can count." Which is sort of sad, because I just glanced at the book and it appears they go on seven adventures. Unless the publishers were not satisfied with having sapped my will to live and have also chosen to afflict me with dyscalculia [link mine].)

Daughter A. throughout a normal day emulates some trait of each of the characters found in Dora's stories (as previously described). Swiper, when he gets a chance to actually steal, will often throw the loot off a ways and say, "You'll never find it now!!"

A. loves to take her toys when about to be grabbed by younger daughter E. and throw them across the room.

"You'll never find them now," she exclaims to E.

"What's up with this chick," E. thinks to herself with a bewildered
expression.

I have a feeling that we're going to need to work on our choice of role models. Thanks, TiVO.

However, it's quite amusing to have a "bilingual" two-year-old with no effort on my own part.

"Let's go, Daddy. ¡Vamonos!"

Thank goodness I had that Spanish in high school or I'd be wondering what's going on.

Adios.

The throw-up throw down

One major drawback to kids, as I have discovered from personal experience, is the fact that parents have to come in contact, from time to time, with a wide spectrum of fluids that originate from bodies other than their own. This is a story of such contact.

Let me start by saying I’m so glad that I was not present when this happened. Dear Wife was not so fortunate.

A. had a stomach virus. It didn’t seem all that severe. She had thrown up early in the morning and had been fine for several hours. DW thought, “Oh, that must be all that’s going to happen. Let’s go out in public.”

By now, surely, you have already recognized the err of her ways.

Dear Wife chose to meet another mom, who I shall label Poor Friend for the purpose of this story, at Mellow Mushroom, a local pizza joint. PF had an 11-month old, one of E.’s good buddies, with her. A. wasn’t in the best of spirits, but she was functioning fine throughout the entire meal.

The quality of life quickly plummeted as A. announced, “My stomach hurts” and then proceeded to throw up all over DW’s shoulder, her booster seat, and the booth. And it wasn’t just once but was described by first-hand witnesses as seemingly endless, continuous flows, not unlike Niagara Falls.

The diners in the adjacent booth escaped a soaking by a mere fraction of a millimeter and amazingly never even noticed their imperilment. PF sat in stunned silence, I’m sure calculating how best to protect herself and her innocent babe from infection of this obviously deadly disease. DW was frozen in shock as well with thoughts running through her head such as, “What was I thinking taking this child out in public!? Surely this isn’t happening” while her shoulder continue to be soaked by the ongoing flow.

(Did I mention I was so glad not to be there?)

As soon as the well had run dry and clothing was shed, DW escorted A. out of the restaurant, holding her hand. A.’s pants having been removed, she was walking out wearing only a shirt, a diaper, and her shoes. I’m sure the observers who missed the main act wondered why this poor little girl was being paraded in public with no pants in the dead of winter.

I’ve always heard that the first child is experimental. I guess it’s confirmed.

Awwwww Man: Dora strikes again!

In every episode of Dora the Explorer, there's a battle with Swiper, a swifty fox who loves to steal. By shouting, "Swiper, no swiping" three times, his ability to steal is squelched and he replies, "Awwww mannnnn" in a whiney little fox voice as he runs off the screen.

One day A. was, as usual, attempting to guard her coveted toys from her sister, E., who is deterred by nothing unless she spots an opportunity to eat. Allie stood in front of her toys and yelled, "Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!" with the sincere belief that this would prevent E. from getting her toys. How funny is that?

I'm sure E. was momentarily delayed and confused by this quick outburst, but I'm positive that she didn't reply, "Awwwww man!"

Baby Substitute exposed

Almost every child has a toy, usually a stuffed animal or doll, that becomes the chosen one, the favorite, the must-have-all-the-time item. Parents live in mortal fear that this coveted toy will be lost, left, forgotten, dropped in the river, accidentally thrown away, mistakenly shipped to Brazil, or shredded by a pack of stray dogs. When something is taken everywhere your child goes, it's not a matter of if but when a crisis will occur due to the premature termination of your child's loving bond with the object.

A.'s favorite toy is a Gund baby doll that she has affectionately named Baby. It is a mystery as to why exactly Baby was ordained to carry out this role, but up to this point, A. has not felt compelled to offer an explanation.

Mommy and I shudder to think what might happen if Baby were to ever meet her Maker before her time. A. won't go to sleep at night unless she is holding Baby in her arms. A. prefers not to leave the house unless Baby comes along. Baby gets to sit out the dinner table, attend numerous tea parties, be read to, rock, swing, and say her bedtime prayers. In fact, A.'s childhood fantasies are literally lived vicariously through Baby. Neither one of us ever wanted to be the bearer of bad news that Baby was forever lost. Enter the clever back up plan...

When Mommy discovered that Baby was discontinued by Gund and not readily available for purchase, she quickly sent out an All Points Bulletin to the relatives, friends, and extended family to be on the lookout for a replacement Baby: the just-in-case-the-unthinkable-should-happen Baby Substitute. Evidently, the only things you can't buy on eBay are human body parts, people, and A.'s Baby Gund doll.

Fortunately, one of our out-of-state relatives spotted a genuine Baby Substitute in a local store and purchased it for us. We were now prepared for the worst. If Baby should croak, we would quickly and slyly pull out the new one, and life would be grand. And wouldn't we look so smart? Parenting Magazine would be calling us for interviews. Katie Couric and Today would be set up in our front yard.

One day when Baby needed a bath in the washing machine to remove the grime acquired from 24/7 living with a two-year-old, Mommy offered up Baby Substitute to A. in the dark when she was in her bed. A. immediately said, "That's not Baby!" In the dark she knew, I tell you. She felt the doll and could tell that it's travels were only extensive as to the top of our closet where she had been hidden away until needed. Clean and shiny Baby Substitute was quickly labeled a fraud. This was not Baby!! Where is Baby!?

Couldn't we just say, "Baby went to the spa and got that deep cleansing treatment to make her skin silky smooth. Face masks have come a long way in technology to remove those pesky fuzz balls. And yes, she stopped by the Baby boutique and got another Onesie since the other one had a few worn spots"? Evidently A. wouldn't buy that.

So far, Baby has survived (knock on wood) as a fully functioning member of the family although she's a bit tattered. With each new sign of wear, A.'s love for her has only grown. Baby Substitute, now fully exposed and out of the closet, has been given to E. A., to protect her copyrighted name, has refused to allow us to call it E.'s Baby but has instead renamed Baby Substitute to Baby Sister, appropriately enough. E. doesn't quite have the same affinity for Baby Sister. Her biggest thrill is to chew on Baby Sister's night cap, tackle her in the crib, and then fall asleep on her. I think E., taking the practical approach, views her more as a pillow.

We just thought we were going to outsmart our two-year-old daughter, but she could instantly see through our plan. And I hear that parenting only gets harder. My gosh.

Don't throw the baby out...

For some reason, 2 kids just don't make our lives crazy enough. This conversation occurred several months ago when E. was around 10 months old. A. is 19 months older.

A. easily grasped the concept of old and new when she was quite young. "Old milk" (e.g., a cup left sitting out too long) was something we didn't drink. We emphasized "new milk" to help her to learn not to drink spoiled milk.

Us: One day, A., we're hopefully going to have a new baby. You'll have a new little brother or sister!
A.: [Pointing to E.] That's the old baby. We're going to get a new one!
Us: Uhm, yes, A., but that doesn't mean E. is going away. We're going to have another baby. E. will still be here!
A.: [Secretly disappointed and silent.]

Her first word was backpack: The Dora Conspiracy

If you have kids and Dora the Explorer has not invaded your household, please let me know your secret. A.'s first exposure to Dora was through a simple book. She had never even seen the cartoon and she was captivated. Evidently the child psychologist designed character with big brown eyes charmed my daughter to love and idolize it instantly. Actually I used to only jokingly say that psychology was used to design these characters. Then I started believing it. Then I researched it and confirmed it. Meet Daniel Anderson, professor and consultant, who is changing the world our children live in. (He's only one of many people that helped created Dora among other popular characters.)

Now I'm not saying this is bad, but at a minimum, it is pretty scary and worth a moment of thought. Indeed Dr. Anderson's Senate Committee testimony states that kids who have watched certain shows such as Sesame Street have gone on to do better in school than those who didn't. Surely the end goal of the producers of today's new shows is typically not to make our children smarter but to please Wall Street and ultimately their own pocketbooks. We are fooling ourselves if we think otherwise.

If creators of TV shows can influence our children to do good things and become smarter, why can't they also be using their psychology tricks to make our children ask to buy their licensed products? Parents are the ones that have the money and are ultimately the ones responsible, but sometimes the influences are difficult to detect or deter. What seems harmless and happy on the surface may in fact be quite harmful. Subliminal influences are a hidden enemy. Consider it food for thought.

In our household, we've had the following Dora products: videos, books, a doll, a talking Dora swimming pool, yogurt, potty seat, disposable placemats, and Dora's Backpack. I'm probably leaving out another half dozen things. But my word, A.'s just 2 1/2! There's still time for more. Dora has generated over $3.5 billion in retail sales since 2002, and yes, we've helped out!

In fact, the very first thing that A. pointed at and asked me to buy her in the store was Dora yogurt. She had eaten it before, so she was recognizing not only Dora, but a familiar product. (As a plug for the product, it has a child friendly consistency that makes it clump together and not be runny and messy like the standard yogurt. I'm sure the sugar content is distressing, but hey, it's a dairy product so I can't complain too much.)

So were my wife and I surprised when E. chose to say backpack as her first word? Well, I'm stretching it just a bit. It was not her first word, but it was definitely in the first 10, and I'm betting even the first 5. Dora wears a purple backpack (affectionately known as Backpack) who holds Map, who helps them find their in every episode. Backpack has its (her? his? Ambiguous I guess like BackPat?) little song that gets E. excited and exclaiming, "Backpack, backpack" in her scratchy little voice.

Yes, I know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends babies under age 2 should not watch any TV. Well, when her older sister insists on watching Dora on a daily basis, it is hard to keep E., who is one year old, away. Now E. doesn't sit and stare at the TV. She's normally playing and doing other things while A. watches. But when a snazzy song comes on or she hears Backpack, it definitely gets her attention.

Let's see, why don't we analyze E.'s vocabulary and see if we can detect any influences from Dora and TV? She can say bye bye, dah dah, ma ma, milk, book, baby, banana, and backpack.

Hmmmm. One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others? Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong? If you guessed this one is not like the others then you're absolutely...right!

(How appropriate to end with a Sesame Street song. Her father must have grown up watching that! I don't know how smart he is, but he sure does have a nice collection of Sesame Street toys.)

The BorderCollies: fine Celtic music

Being that it's St. Paddy's Day, it's a perfect time to introduce one of my favorite groups, The BorderCollies, "a contemporary Celtic band, featuring a unique blend of traditional Celtic and folk influences in their music." They feature original works and the classics, with many great jigs and reel, that often tempt you to break out in your own Riverdance moves until come to your senses and realize how embarrassing that would be. In concert, they showcase their musical abilities with many injections of humor.

Based in Duluth, Georgia, (metro-Atlanta) you can catch them in action around town and the South. A fairly family friendly smoke-free setting where I've seen them twice is Fiddler's Green, a "coffeehouse" folk music venue usually held at the Garden Hills neighborhood community center in Buckhead. (More precisely, it's family friendly if you're OK with BYOB and your children are > toddlers. Noisy and squirmy really won't work.)

The coffeehouse happens once a month and is sponsored by the Atlanta Area Friends of Folk Music. If your children are a little older, this is a great way to expose them to a variety of musical styles in a rather sterile setting. The atmosphere is great. An exposed timber lodge-style building nestled in the trees provides a very intimate setting for this type of music. Many of these performances sell out, so be sure to reserve your place in advance.

Not so child-friendly

Don't you just love taking your toddlers over to people's houses that aren't child-proofed? There are just innumerable items such as this designer trashcan that lurk in the shadows of the living room of your hosts ready to impale your child and maim him or her for life. (It can be yours for only $142! Perhaps at that price it is more properly referred to as an artistic basket?)

It always seems that no matter how hard I try to avoid such situations occurring, my kids tend to accelerate the depreciation of the interiors of the homes I visit. It's kind of hard to relax when your oldest is drinking red Kool Aid in the middle of the very-white living room carpet (What possessed you to offer such indelible libations to my child in an open container?!) and your younger one is drooling all over the couch. And when the laps around the house start, it is time to call it quits.

Of course, if the homeowner has kids too, then most likely the couch is already saturated with drool, the carpet is no longer white, and the hardwoods already have scratches showing where the laps are run. It goes without saying that the artistic trashcan would have long gone by the wayside.

Sorry for destroying your house, dear host. Are you busy, say in 20 years, when we're empty nesters?

Until then, please, let me know before you invite me over that you've gotten extravagant with your trash can.

A tale of 2 kids: voluntary and involuntary eating

My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

This is one of my more memorable quotes by Ralphie from the movie classic A Christmas Story.

Now that I have kids of my own, it is interesting how things like this from the past are brought to mind with a whole new perspective. Ralphie says in the same scene something like, "Every family has one kid that won't eat" which in his case was his brother.

We always struggled with A. to get her to take formula (she had problems with acid reflux), and once she started table food, she never had a big appetite. Her appetite is now improved to the point of sustaining her bird legs, but eating has just always seemed to be an optional activity for her. On windy days we just fill her pockets with heavy objects to make sure we don't lose her in a sudden gust.

We have learned a variety of tricks and techniques to get A. to eat, but they don't work consistently. Quite often the best thing to do is to just let her be, and she'll eat when she wants. She's the daintiest little eater. She'll sit down and just nibble as if she were required to be all prim and proper. She'll wipe her mouth, get down from the table, and no one can tell that she just ate. Messy is not her style.

Enter E., her younger sister by 19 months, who has just turned 1. E. does not hide her love affair with food even though she too battled acid reflux. If she sees you even moving toward the refrigerator, she wants milk. If she has a pile of food in front of her, she wants what's on your plate too. She gets food on her, on the floor, and everywhere in between. She's happiest when she can shovel it in non-stop. There's no having to convince her that she's "Mommy's little piggy" as Ralphie's mom attempted with his little brother, the non-eater. While A. has always been rather oblivious to food prep in the kitchen, E. can spot something on the counter from a mile away. She'll point and grunt and reach for it as if it's the last morsel of food on earth. Quite amusing.

It's amazing how two little people can be so similar, yet so different, at such a young age. I'm sure this is just the beginning of endless comparisons and contrasts.

Fun.

Say please, or Refund Please, rather

I learned about this seemingly too-easy-to-be-true tip from I Will Teach You to Be Rich, an often amusing blog on financial matters. If Amazon lowers the price of something you bought within 30 days of the purchase, it'll refund the difference at your request. Now of course you say, "Gil, who has time to keep checking for price changes when there are diapers to be changed and bottles to be washed?" (A brief piece of advice concerning washing those bottles: if you happen to discover a bottle of formula left sitting around that appears to be full of cottage cheese, I would advise you just to toss it in the trash.)

Well that's exactly the service that you can get for free at http://refundplease.com (Note: the url has changed from the original posting above. Amazon must have complained about the use of their name in the domain name.). I have tried this service, and it actually saved me money.

Our recent purchase of a vacuum cleaner at Christmas was the Eureka Smart Boss from Amazon. With the $25 off special for home & garden purchases, it was a deal not to be beat. And by the way, if you're in the market for a great sucker without feeling like a sucker yourself, don't splurge on those $400 English vacuums. This Smart Boss is the way to go. Great sucking at a great price--even a HEPA filter.

Anyway, I felt so good about this purchase. I knew I had gotten the best deal around. However, I ran across this refund site and thought I'd give it a try. I simply entered the Amazon stock number, the price I paid, the date of purchase, and my email address. I didn't think anything would come of it. I knew I had already gotten a rock bottom price.

Or so I thought. A couple of weeks went by and I got an email from RefundPlease.com that said Amazon had lowered the price by around $15 or so. I emailed Amazon's customer service, politely requested the refund of the difference, and I got a nice email back saying they had just credited my card. Of course this works for books and most anything that Amazon sells.

Wow. If only changing diapers could be this easy.

Pizza Hut Salad Bar Under Siege

Attention single income families! Consider this Pizza Hut salad bar technique demonstrated step-by-step by some students as a way to stretch your dining dollars. Evidently they have a one-visit rule to the bar which inspired these students to maximize their bounty.

OK, please, really. Don't do this. It is amusing to imagine this taking place, but soon I'll be sharing some practical tips on ways to enjoy dining out by spending less. One of my goals with this blog is to disseminate my penny pinching tips for enhancing the probability of survival with that challenging combination of kids and one income.

Tuna Helper Full Circle

Growing up I was occasionally subjected to Hamburger Helper. It wasn't a staple in our house, but evidently Mom felt compelled to feed it to us every now and then to make us appreciate the from-scratch meals that she usually prepared. By my sophomore year in college, I began to actually learn to cook myself and be somewhat self-sufficient in the kitchen. Sometimes that "cooking" meant preparing Tuna Helper. (I could no longer bear the hamburger version since it involved battling the torment inducing memories of my childhood. Somehow the tuna version was a little more palatable. Don't ask me why.)

Tuna Helper was one of my standard meals. Easy to have on hand. Quick to fix. Not really fulfilling but filling enough, and that's what's important to a college student. Maybe my wife and I had it a few times when we were dating, but eventually we tossed our indulgences of corporate nourishment out the window when we became a little more enlightened in the ways of cuisine.

We fell into the trap (albeit a tasty one) of fine dining on a regular basis, cooking from genuine Italian cookbooks, pairing wines with our food, and seeking out new cheeses. Tuna Helper was officially off the list. And our financial statements had big line items for dining and fancy groceries. Yes, we were young and foolish, at least with food.

Unfortunately, with the advent of kids, Tuna Helper has found its way back on the shelf of our pantry. Two kids often put the brakes on your plans to go grocery shopping or find a brief moment of sanity to make out that grocery list during rudimentary meal planning. Even more depressing than its resurgence is the fact that in our household Tuna Helper has now been replaced with "Tuna Magic," the tempting Kroger brand. (Do you know how much that marketing hoopla adds to the price tag of your Tuna Helper? Mr. Helping Hand evidently has lots of leverage when it comes to renegotiating his contract. I can't taste the difference, but just don't look at the box too long or you'll get queasy. This is an excellent example of the phenomenon that living on one salary really makes you do things you'd never even pondered.)

For all the same reasons it was good for a college student, Tuna Helper/Magic is that perfect oops-we-don't-have-anything-else-in-the-house meal and also that we-can't-go-out-again-because-we-just-bought-a-new-(used)-minivan culinary delight. So it struck me that we have completed what I am calling the Tuna Helper Full Circle. Or at least we've made the first lap around.

The moment of self-realization was quite shocking when I realized that instead of a straight line path, I'm trapped on this circle where Tuna Helper's going to keep popping up throughout my life. I'm not really complaining, just lamenting. But hey, it's worth it. Kids are fun. And they can pick up Tuna Helper noodles with their fingers. It's a sacrifice worth making.

Plus, we're taking advantage of all of the benefits of Tuna Helper as touted by its web site (who actually goes to this web site? "Yes honey, let's see what the latest flavor from Tuna Helper is."):

Tuna Helper is a great-tasting dinner your whole family will love!

Maybe that tagline is a little optimistic. E. loves it, but then she will literally eat anything.

Since circles are innately continuous, I'm hoping that someday, maybe before death, we'll keep going 'round and we'll make it once again to that stage of life where Tuna Helper is a distant memory. Until then, bon appetit kids, and may your sippy cups never run dry.

(Today's stock pick: General Mills, Inc. (GIS), proud owner of the Betty Crocker brand, the home ec queen mastermind behind Tuna Helper. Face it, we're all trapped on the circle. Here's your chance for some ownership of the pie...uh...pile of pasta.)

It's a good morning day!

Being the one of the household that works outside of the home, I usually don't have the privilege of being at home when my daughters are waking up in the morning. Recently, I was lucky to be at home when A., 2 1/2, was waking up. Down the hall I heard this sing-song voice repeating something over and over.

I walk into A.'s room and she's looking from her bed out the window where the shade, usually pulled down at night, had been left up. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and light was streaming into the room.

"A., what are you saying?"

"It's a good morning day, Daddy! The sun is shining," she replied with a big smile and so matter-of-fact-ly.

Ah, so that's what she had been repeating. It's a good morning day.

Adulthood often seems to cause us to lose the abilities of discovering such joys in the simplicity of just plain old living. But A. is helping me to reclaim some of that which has slipped away.

Yes, A., it is a good morning day. And you are the sun that's shining.

The crash heard around the subdivision

Crash. Right at the entrance to our subdivision. There goes Honda #1. Yep, it was totalled. Fortunately, very fortunately, no one was hurt. My wife and A., our oldest (2 1/2), were able to walk away completely unscathed. But cars these days... It doesn't take much, does it?

The adjuster didn't even finish calculating damages. He just stopped when he got so close to the value!

We were planning to get a new van this fall, but the accelerated schedule doesn't jive with the finances. So we're in the used market for a mini van. Probably pretty used. If you have any wisdom on what to consider and what definitely not to get, please share your comments. Or even share you satisfactions and disgruntled feelings for your own minivan.

With a little luck, we'll be able to get rid of that rental car payment soon and apply it to a more permanent solution!