The throw-up throw down

One major drawback to kids, as I have discovered from personal experience, is the fact that parents have to come in contact, from time to time, with a wide spectrum of fluids that originate from bodies other than their own. This is a story of such contact.

Let me start by saying I’m so glad that I was not present when this happened. Dear Wife was not so fortunate.

A. had a stomach virus. It didn’t seem all that severe. She had thrown up early in the morning and had been fine for several hours. DW thought, “Oh, that must be all that’s going to happen. Let’s go out in public.”

By now, surely, you have already recognized the err of her ways.

Dear Wife chose to meet another mom, who I shall label Poor Friend for the purpose of this story, at Mellow Mushroom, a local pizza joint. PF had an 11-month old, one of E.’s good buddies, with her. A. wasn’t in the best of spirits, but she was functioning fine throughout the entire meal.

The quality of life quickly plummeted as A. announced, “My stomach hurts” and then proceeded to throw up all over DW’s shoulder, her booster seat, and the booth. And it wasn’t just once but was described by first-hand witnesses as seemingly endless, continuous flows, not unlike Niagara Falls.

The diners in the adjacent booth escaped a soaking by a mere fraction of a millimeter and amazingly never even noticed their imperilment. PF sat in stunned silence, I’m sure calculating how best to protect herself and her innocent babe from infection of this obviously deadly disease. DW was frozen in shock as well with thoughts running through her head such as, “What was I thinking taking this child out in public!? Surely this isn’t happening” while her shoulder continue to be soaked by the ongoing flow.

(Did I mention I was so glad not to be there?)

As soon as the well had run dry and clothing was shed, DW escorted A. out of the restaurant, holding her hand. A.’s pants having been removed, she was walking out wearing only a shirt, a diaper, and her shoes. I’m sure the observers who missed the main act wondered why this poor little girl was being paraded in public with no pants in the dead of winter.

I’ve always heard that the first child is experimental. I guess it’s confirmed.